So I just undid the center console and tightened up the parking brake cable nut a few times... nothing still. Probably needs more tightening but I'm saving it for tomorrow when my Dad can help me figure out if the pistons are moving in/out, or if the cables need more adjustment etc.
For those who want to understand a bit better, with the dual rear caliper setup now, the parking brake is operated by what used to be the old brake caliper (albeit this one from a mk5 r32 to fit the larger rotors). I had used the piston retracting tool to get the piston back into the caliper, and then before throwing it onto the pad carrier, I made sure to have the gap between piston and other side be as close to the gap between pads as possible (that way they're tight and not super loose where I have to then worry about the piston being too far in where it's not catching on the worm gear drive thing). Then you're supposed to get into the car, and crank on the handbrake (with button held down the whole time) a good 30-50 times until the piston hits the pads and finds that "home position" I'll call it. Well, I cranked it 70ish times and nothing, so something isn't moving. The rear portion of the cable where it connects to the caliper is just fine (could use a lil grease or lube or whatever), but it sits nicely. Ideally it compresses that spring and pushes the piston out. Well I know for a fact that the piston does come out when you crank that soulja boy on the spring, which means that likely the bing bing bing bong (the cables) need to have more slack taken up so that they can have more range of motion to crank that soulja boy.
Bar bar bar, its 11pm, I'm tired and ramblin (see the spasm I had above when trying to type cables)
The word barbarian comes from the Romans and Greeks who would mock foreign people who couldn't speak their language by calling them barbarians, which is derived from "bar bar bar" which is how the foreign languages sounded to them. There's even a verb in greek, Βαρβαρίζω, which means "to barbarize" but translates to "to ramble/to speak gibberish"