Good news everyone!!! CRISIS AVERTED!!!!! So I got the fourth plug out with a very skinny long needle nose plier and some serious cursing. I called a bunch of different mechanics for advice. They said since I drove the car for 20mins while it was misfiring and no breakdown or smoke, it should be okay to vacuum out what I can and start it.
So I got to work pulling metal out with the magnet when I realized the pieces of metal inside the head I thought were from the tip of the electrode are just threads from the plug itself, because A they looked like thread pieces, B the threads on the plugs themselves are melted together at the tips C they were magnetic (the head isn't), and D they were just under the spark plug hole. I shopvacced with a makeshift chikfila straw attachment and alternated with the magnet. Then took a tip from the mechanic to crank the car without plugs and use a vacuum above the hole. Thankfully we didn't blow up the vacuum (the air it sucks in runs past and cools the hot engine). Also extremely convenient for me: my dad is a urologist so we inspected the head with an endoscope and didn't see any visible damage. So we put the old plugs in after cleaning them with WD40 (they went in surprisingly fine, except some trouble with plug 4).
Then attached the coils, said a prayer, and turned the ignition...Misfired for a few seconds and then ran like it should! Scanned the car, misfires and ignition coil failures showed (from cranking without the coils attached), cleared the codes and went for a drive: 30min in, no codes, no problems. Just came home from dinner and went flat out from 2nd to 5th. Butter smooth. I need to do another oil and filter change and buy the CORRECT new plugs. Whew sorry I just got to my computer you can't believe how excited I am to blurt all this out!! Might have a minor leak in plug 4 if anything everything honestly feels the way it should.. It certainly runs better than it did before the oil change.
D Lesson learned. Don't be a dumbass like me.